Terry's Chocolate Orange

For a decade, Dawn French was the enthusiastic face of Terry’s Chocolate Orange. As a brand ambassador, hers always struck me as a curious appointment. With vast swathes of the population desperately fighting the flab, where was the logic in ads whose subtext surely implied ‘dig in and you too could soon be popping into Evans Outsize in your quest to find the perfect black shroud and beaded moo moo’? A recent straw poll of Twitter foodies revealed scant appetite for Kraft’s sugary confection. Will these ‘smashing’ commercials make converts? I doubt it: so irritating is the hammering and banging within, you’d be forgiven for hurling any TCO you might have to hand straight at your TV screen. But as they appear virtually indestructible I wouldn’t go there. £499 at Curry’s is a lot to pay for a quick choccie fix.

See TV commercial here: http://tinyurl.com/2fbwdcm 

Michelin

As an L driver, I was advised never to resort to retreaded tyres. So it’s curious that Michelin Man should roll with what sounds like a retread of The Gorillaz (Michelin's UK PR was unable to say who  the actual artist is). The similarity is even more uncanny on the American version of this global commercial. Search ‘Michelin Sad Road’ on YouTube and find the UK voiceover replaced by a dude who sounds spookily like the late Dennis Hopper on the band’s Fire Coming out of the Monkey’s Head. I digress: the real story here is that fluffy potential roadkill should rejoice. Their salvation lies in a tyre that can stop in nanoseconds thanks to its grip. As for midnight stoners stumbling across this freaky animated trip, they’ll be gripped... like rabbits in oncoming headlights.

Watch it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jct1XSUjwAM  

Jackpotjoy.com

Forgetting I’d left the TV on down the hall, when first I heard this ad’s soundtrack as noises off, I feared a kookaburra had invaded my sitting room. Closer inspection revealed the horrendous cackle as none other than that of Peggy Mitchell risen, phoenix-like, from the ashes of the burnt-out Queen Vic to be crowned the Queen of Bingo in a skit that recalls ancient variety show, The Good Old Days. It seems The People’s Pearly Queen, Babs (no relation to those stuck-up Windsors down the Mall) has hit the jackpot here. Released from her BBC contract, the ‘national treasure’ can finally afford a wig that looks, oh, about 15% real rather than those hideous acrylic haystacks the game old bird sweated under while tending to her bingo-brained brood in Walford.  

Watch it here

http://tinyurl.com/2g4nwz2 

Littlewoods

In marketing terms, Coleen is now a one word brand in her own right. Serendipitous, should she ever decide, for whatever reason, to leave her husband and kill off  the golden cow that is ‘brand Rooney’. A certain type of woman identifies with Coleen, I’m told, but since I’m  for Mars, I don’t get it. Do women buy a new frock because they like the cut of its cloth, or out of sisterly sympathy for a brand ambassador who happens to be hitched to someone who might have been outplayed by a lame donkey in South Africa but, back in England, allegedly manages to score a hat-trick, playing away from home? Baffling!  Anyway, here’s Col looking chipper enough at Littlewoods boot camp. If the woman has an ounce of sense, she’ll take Nancy Sinatra’s lyrics to heart and boot Shrek into touch. Are the peeps at Littlewoods Roo-ing the day they signed up to a media circus that would see Everton fans taunting an absent Wayne as they broke into an old Bob Marley hit, its lyrics tweaked to 'No woman, no Kai'?

Watch  Coleen here http://tinyurl.com/34rn3ku 

Renault Megane

Can a car change a town? This, not famine, flood or pestilence, is the pressing issue to be addressed by the Menton/ Gisburn Experiment (sounds like something sinister masterminded by Josef Mengele). I’ve never been to Gisburn but it seems like a decent enough place: solid stone cottages; ye olde inn serving Lancashire hot-pot; the comely Ribble Valley on tap; whist AND dominoes int’ village hall. I have been to Menton, however. Bonjour Front National-voting fat toads; hatchet-faced Parisian harpies too grand to pick up their poodles’ poo; flats smaller than my loo for € 850,000 and taking out a mortgage on dinner. I tried a Mégane. Didn’t much fancy that either. Cloth caps; whippets; driving rain and an ’82 Austin Allegro: now, there’s grand! Reportedly, the car manufacturer has raffled a Megane for £6,000 and donated the proceeds to Gisburn's festival hall and playing fields committees. Gisburn may wish to respond in kind by sending Renault  their local delicacy , tripe, in retaliation for these er, offal ads.

http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?adid=85522

Glade Touch n Fresh

Should I ring the NSPCC? The thing is, I’m becoming increasingly concerned about the welfare of the small Asian child in this advert. What is his dozy Desperate Housewife of a mother feeding him? Given her plummy Knightsbridge accent, I’m guessing foie gras, quail in aspic and pata negra ham from Harrods. The poor poppet is clearly suffering from an inappropriate diet. Not only are his farts worse than a Doberman’s with diarrhoea, he’s been glued to that toilet seat for what seems like years now and hasn’t grown an inch. ‘It’s all gone. It’s all gone!’ he proclaims. Well flush the bloody loo and open a window, you stunted stinker!

http://www.visit4info.com/advert/Glade-Touch-n-Fresh-All-Gone-Glade-Air-Freshener-Range/38251/2

MFI

MFI’s ads are even more irritating than their rivals’ unfathomable flatpack instruction manuals. A Khmer Rouge throwback lambasts her man for leaving the loo seat up; a virago harangues hers for ironing his trousers too slowly; while a well-lagged bolier berates tubby hubby for chatting up a younger model (can’t  imagine why he would). ‘You’ll feel right at home’ intones voiceover. Would that be one with bars on the windows? For when Serial Mom almost murders teenage daughter for staying out late, it becomes clear these desperate housewives don’t so much need new fitted units as a secure unit and intensive therapy.

NB The company had ceased trading by 19 December 2008 

http://www.visit4info.com/search/index.cfm?display=i&page=2