Renault Megane

Can a car change a town? This, not famine, flood or pestilence, is the pressing issue to be addressed by the Menton/ Gisburn Experiment (sounds like something sinister masterminded by Josef Mengele). I’ve never been to Gisburn but it seems like a decent enough place: solid stone cottages; ye olde inn serving Lancashire hot-pot; the comely Ribble Valley on tap; whist AND dominoes int’ village hall. I have been to Menton, however. Bonjour Front National-voting fat toads; hatchet-faced Parisian harpies too grand to pick up their poodles’ poo; flats smaller than my loo for € 850,000 and taking out a mortgage on dinner. I tried a Mégane. Didn’t much fancy that either. Cloth caps; whippets; driving rain and an ’82 Austin Allegro: now, there’s grand! Reportedly, the car manufacturer has raffled a Megane for £6,000 and donated the proceeds to Gisburn's festival hall and playing fields committees. Gisburn may wish to respond in kind by sending Renault  their local delicacy , tripe, in retaliation for these er, offal ads.

http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?adid=85522

Glade Touch n Fresh

Should I ring the NSPCC? The thing is, I’m becoming increasingly concerned about the welfare of the small Asian child in this advert. What is his dozy Desperate Housewife of a mother feeding him? Given her plummy Knightsbridge accent, I’m guessing foie gras, quail in aspic and pata negra ham from Harrods. The poor poppet is clearly suffering from an inappropriate diet. Not only are his farts worse than a Doberman’s with diarrhoea, he’s been glued to that toilet seat for what seems like years now and hasn’t grown an inch. ‘It’s all gone. It’s all gone!’ he proclaims. Well flush the bloody loo and open a window, you stunted stinker!

http://www.visit4info.com/advert/Glade-Touch-n-Fresh-All-Gone-Glade-Air-Freshener-Range/38251/2

MFI

MFI’s ads are even more irritating than their rivals’ unfathomable flatpack instruction manuals. A Khmer Rouge throwback lambasts her man for leaving the loo seat up; a virago harangues hers for ironing his trousers too slowly; while a well-lagged bolier berates tubby hubby for chatting up a younger model (can’t  imagine why he would). ‘You’ll feel right at home’ intones voiceover. Would that be one with bars on the windows? For when Serial Mom almost murders teenage daughter for staying out late, it becomes clear these desperate housewives don’t so much need new fitted units as a secure unit and intensive therapy.

NB The company had ceased trading by 19 December 2008 

http://www.visit4info.com/search/index.cfm?display=i&page=2

Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue

A sultry seductress sizzles in a boat set adrift on a Mediterranean lagoon’s light blue waters. Adjusting his barely-there swimsuit, a chiselled Roman living statue moves in for a clinch that will climax in an ecstatic explosion of Vesuvian proportions.....then ‘cut!’ What her Latin love god is not about to slip her, is his CV. Going by the name of David Gandy, this Italian stallion hails from the eternally glamorous Città di Billericay, and got his big break courtesy of Richard And Judy. Readers who fancy getting their hands on Dave’s Strombolis will be pleased to note that he is currently single and lives in Fulham.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVec5J3EqvQ

Skoda Fabia

When they brainstormed this car crash of a commercial, were the creatives at Soho ad agency, Fallon, high on E numbers? Since the one time Czech laughing stock was taken over by the volks at Volkswagen, Skoda has gone from continental joke to offering plenty of poke for your Euro. Bigging up the roomy, reliable supermini’s slick ride, firm grip, quiet engine, fuel economy and overall nippiness was no match for the smart cookies at Fallon’s half baked Big Idea. Set  to Julie Andrew’s sugary meringue, confectioners knock up a repli-car in jam, sponge, syrup and jelly - the sort of gateau any clued-up kid would be humiliated to receive beyond his sixth birthday. Who’d be seen dead in a Skoda now, you fruitcakes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwBE1l6QexU

Clover

Clover is churned with love, we’re told, not sloshed around by whopping industrial blades on some sterile production line then? It’s capable of bringing a tear to the eyes of a Billy-No-Mates Mummy’s boy with his baked potato, a soppy Wendy Craig lookalike who seemingly shares a hairdresser with Martina Navratilova, and a lachrymose corn-on-the cob loving family man, who really will have a cob on when he finds out that, if pack statistics are to be believed, Clover may be up to three times as high in saturates and twice as calorific as some cholesterol reducing spreads out there.

http://www.visit4info.com/advert/Clover-We-All-Love-Clover-Clover-Range/29603/2

Kellogg's Crunchy Nut

Have the creatives behind this nutty commercial ever experienced London’s crush hour? Reality check: when a tube train packed tighter than a lorry load of illegal immigrants at Dover docks pulls in to Charing Cross station, it would take something substantially sexier than a Kellogg’s bar to prise the poor sods from their not-fit-to-transport-turnips-in Hell on wheels. They fought like Joe Calzaghe to get in and the next train will be along around the same time as a UKIP government. Besides, only a self harmer would eat anything that had touched a Northern Line platform. If you want that carriage to yourself, mate, try dropping the keys to a brand new Merc with climate control and chauffeur thrown in. http://www.visit4info.com/advert/Kelloggs-Crunchy-Nut-Bars-Packed-Tube-Kelloggs-Crunchy-Nut-Range/45648